From the Rabbi’s Desk:  Hiring Aides and Caregivers for Parents

Question:

Our father has been hospitalized for an extended period and we have been taking shifts to be by his side to assist him. This has become a great burden and we are considering hiring a caregiver to be with him for a part of the day. Would this be a violation of Kibud Av va’Eim?

In addition, who would be obligated to pay for this caregiver, and is there a preference for hiring a paid caregiver or arranging volunteers?

Answer:

When parents need nursing care, their children must know that they are obligated to provide it and that it is a Mitzva d’Oraisa of Kibud Av va’Eim.

This Mitzva includes all types of needs as apparent from the Gemara in Kiddushin (31b):

The Rabbis taught: What is fear (of one’s parents) and what is respect? Fear means not standing or sitting in their place, not contradicting them or agreeing with them. Respect means providing them food and drink, clothing and covering them, and taking them out and bringing them in.

“Providing food and drink” includes meeting all their nutritional needs, even in difficult circumstances requiring extra effort or resources. “Clothing and covering them” includes protecting their dignity, preventing humiliation, and maintaining proper hygiene standards. Likewise, “taking them out and bringing them in” obligates children to concern themselves with their parents’ mobility and accessibility. This includes assisting them in walking, ensuring that their destinations are accessible, and addressing all related challenges.

The Rambam (Peirush haMishnayos Kiddushin 1:7)rules that all of the parent’s needs are the child’s responsibility. The three categories mentioned are the most common needs of parents as they grow old and become dependent. In that vein, it is important to note that a child’s obligation does not include only the straightforward actions stated above, such as feeding his parents; it also includes indirect, preparatory actions such as buying the ingredients, delivering, preparing, and serving them. This is evident from Tosfos in Yevamos (6a): “Most applications of the Mitzva of Kibud Av va’Eim are in the preparation for the Mitzva.” By performing these often inconvenient and taxing acts, a person merits great, incomparable rewards, as guaranteed explicitly by the Torah.

In many cases, a parent’s primary need is not to have somebody feed or transport them but to have a companion with whom to share their thoughts and feelings and avoid feelings of loneliness and isolation.

In your question, you describe how your father has been hospitalized for an extended period and that you are entertaining the idea of hiring somebody to carry out your obligations on your behalf.

Some Mitzvos are “Chovos haGuf “ (personal responsibilities). No one else can do them in his stead, such as laying tefillin or sitting in the sukkah. This is because the Mitzva is dependent on an action, therefore, if a person did not perform the act, he cannot claim the reward for the Mitzva, even if he nominated or hired someone to do it.

Other Mitzvos depend only on an outcome, not necessarily on a particular action. Therefore, any means taken to bring about the outcome is attributed to the person who initiated them. In these cases, one may nominate a Sh’liach to perform the Mitzva.

Kibud Av va’Eim is in the second category; children must ensure that their parents’ needs are met by any means. Therefore, they may fulfill their obligation by delegating the actual tasks to a third party.

This does not even require the principle of Shlucho Shel Adam Kemoso (a Sh’liach is like the sender himself). One would not even need to appoint a Sh’liach for this. The son fulfills his obligation by ensuring that his parent’s needs are met. This is why it is common for children to hire a non-Jewish aide (who is not considered a halachic Sh’liach) to attend to aging parents. Doing so fulfills their obligation of Kibud Av va’Eim.

However, it is important to know that there is great merit in performing the actions oneself. In the words of Tosfos Ri haZaken (Kiddushin 31b): “Feeding – He [should do it] himself.” The Ri haZaken is surely not saying that one cannot perform the Mitzva of Kibud Av va’Eim indirectly (e.g., through a Sh’liach). It seems more likely that he had one of the following two explanations in mind (both of which are very relevant to our discussion):

The first possibility is from the perspective of the parent. Perhaps he will be distressed if a child hires a stranger to feed him and would greatly prefer that his son attend to him when he is dependent and vulnerable.

Accordingly, although children may be Halachicallypermitted to employ another person to see to their parents’ needs, sometimes it might not be an optimal manner of fulfilling Kibud Av va’Eim.  If the parent is uneasy with a stranger attending to him or if his privacy is extremely important, particularly in personal matters, the child might not have fulfilled the Mitzva at all. The same is true of a child’s relationship with his parent; he cannot fulfill his obligation merely by asking someone to periodically check on their welfare and to visit them, because the parent will not be satisfied unless it is his children who are expressing their concern.

The above is undoubtedly true whether or not it was the intent of the Ri haZaken.

The second possibility is that although a child fulfills his obligation through a Sh’liach, this is not the optimum approach as it lacks Hiddur. The ideal way to perform the Mitzva is for the child to do it himself.

The Poskim debate whether the principle of “Mitzva Bo Yoser mib’Shlucho – the Mitzva is greater when done by a person himself rather than by his Sh’liach” (found in the context of preparing for Shabbos) applies to all Mitzvos. Is there an added benefit to performing all Mitzvos oneself, even when a Sh’liach could be appointed instead?^[1]

It seems reasonable to assume that even those who maintain that the principle does not apply to all Mitzvos would concede that it doesapply to Kibud Av va’Eim. A person honors his parent more significantly when he attends to them himself (except, perhaps, in cases where it likely makes no difference to the parent, such as ordering food for them or booking their appointments. The Machlokes haPoskim would apply in those cases.)

There is an interesting point related to your second question; namely, who has to bear the cost of hiring an aide, and is it preferable to get an unpaid volunteer?

Although children have an absolute obligation to ensure their parents’ needs are met, the parents must bear the cost (Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 240:5 based on R’ Nachman bar Oshi’a’s statement in Kiddushin 32a: “Kibud Av miShel Av”).

However, one who wants to fulfill the Mitzva of Kibud Av va’Eim optimally and with the added benefit of Mitzva Bo should know that according to some Poskim (cited by the Sdei Chemed ibid.) a person who hires a worker to perform a Mitzva is considered to have performed it himself because of the principle, “Yad Po’el k’Yad Ba’al haBayis – a worker’s hands are considered like those of his employer”.

Accordingly, if the child paid the aide with his own money, the actions of the worker would be attributed to him, something that would not be achieved if the aide was a volunteer. However, it would be even better for the child to attend to his parent himself rather than enlist another person, even for pay, as the parent receives a greater measure of honor when his child assists him.

All of the above applies only when children simply cannot do the Mitzva themselves, and only then can they claim expenses from the parent. However, if they only want to hire a third party for reasons of convenience, the monetary obligation falls on them as the expense is not absolutely necessary (Har Tzvi, Y.D. 197 and Teshuvos v’Hanhagos, 2:444).

Therefore, if a physically strong person is needed to help lift the parent out of bed or a professional who is knowledgeable in the parent’s particular medical requirements, me’Ikar haDin the Mitzva is not incumbent upon the child and the expenses should be paid by the parent.^[2]

[1]  See the Sdei Chemed 9:45 who discusses this at length.

[2]The discussion of a scenario where the children’s need to hire others is to avoid missing days from their employment is beyond the scope of this essay and will be addressed in the future.